Moments of weakness

You know how sometimes you want to say something but you don't know what to say? Well I do that a lot on this blog, I battle with myself wondering whether I should share my more inner personal thoughts because at times it's hard to hear and handle. I write and rewrite and let these moments of weakness blog post build up in my archive. This is one of those times but since this is my blog and I want you guys to try and experience my journey through me I have to share each side. I try to make the best of every situation most of the time but there's a lot of the time that that's not the case at all... So here I am this is real and raw but it's me...

There are times when I just don't understand why things are happening the way that they are, I don't get why my family was chosen to go through this, why some of my friends families were chosen either. I know it's not right to question the things that there is no answer to because it can drive you crazy but in those moments of weakness when nothing is going right and all the odds are stacked against me it's really hard not to. It's hard trying to figure out how to put the right words together to get people to understand and it's frustrating when they don't. They say you know what things will get better but when you have surgeries, infusions, doctor appointments, and therapies its hard to believe it sometimes. When I was a little girl before I was diagnosed I had so many different ideas about what my life would be and how it would turn out. There are things that I see everyday that I wish I could be doing and experiencing, or I wonder if only I was able to try it would I be good at it? I wish someone would wake me up and say its just a weird dream... But of course its not. I have a hard time letting people in because what I have experienced so far is, once I do they don't stay for long. So I find myself feeling like it's my fault that they don't come back and I know its not but its still hard to get that from the back of my head. There's reasons why people come and go in life, why things happen the way they do, and why I am the way I am. People spend their whole lives just going through motions, I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to let life pass me by "waiting for things to get better" because they won't without me doing something about it. But in these moments of weakness where I think about how hard it is to miss out on some of the simplest pleasures is something that probably won't ever go away. I'll probably have a few more throughout my life time but I can't hold them in anymore and since this is what I made this blog for I should use it to the fullest extent. Life's not always rainbows and unicorns with flying glitter everywhere, so don't feel bad that I have a few bad thoughts today because these little moments of weakness help me realize who I really am and that I am just human with a tiny bit of super powers;) and in the end just like the good these moments won't last forever. That's why they are called moments because as soon as they begin they end. Thanks for letting vent...