Decisions. I've made countless decisions for many years and I'm sure you have to. I mean we make them everyday what to wear, what to eat and everything under the sun. I think it's absolutely crazy how many decisions that we make everyday, I mean I am the type of person who likes to think about my decisions fully and try to think about the outcome and sometimes a little to much. At age 3 I made a decision that I didn't know I made at the time but It had a lot of relevance, you want to know what it was? It was that I would never loose my favorite pink crayon and you know what? I lost it. And you're probably wondering what this has to do with anything but it does because when I went into high school I made the decision that I wasn't going to loose who I was and went in thinking I knew everything about myself, so naive but so true... Sadly I lost myself completely it was like Alice in the wonderland... I fell down the hole and I just kept falling. It was the worst feeling I've could've ever felt. My 16th year was the hardest year for me, it was awful, that was the year where I had my big neck surgery and started infusions. That year I was definitely tested and for a little bit I was broken... Yes broken and I didn't know what to do, I felt so lost and so alone at times. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep knowing that the next day I would have to try 10 times harder than everyone else and know at the end of the day it wasn't good enough... While everyone was telling me I was so strong and doing such a good job, I didn't believe them. I was so stressed out and frustrated at the fact that I couldn't handle it, I couldn't handle all the pressure, all the make up work, the bad grades, the traveling and letting people down. At the time one of my worst fears was letting people down. I was asked constantly " what I needed to make this easier?" And unfortunately it was my first time going through this and I had absolutely no answer... I didn't know what was going to make my life easier and at One point there was nothing that could help me in my mind. My 16th year I had changed and it wasn't something I could've hidden. The feelings were overwhelming and for the that year I was miserable but at the same time I learned some of the biggest lessons that if I didn't go through all those moments those lessons wouldn't have been as important to me. The lessons were
1. Life is... Life is a roller coaster and now matter how high or low you are or how sick and tired you feel it will get better because no matter how far that roller coaster is from the top it has to go up eventually.
2. I am not perfect and I don't have to worry about the expectations of anyone except myself because at the end of the day I am the one who has to look at myself in the mirror and smile about my decisions.
3. I am different and I need different help and its ok to get it.
And you know I have to put some bieber in here somewhere, so here are the words that helped me sleep at night...
Through the storm and, through the clouds
Bumps on the road and upside down now
I know it's hard, to sleep at night
Don't you worry
Cause Everything's gonna be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Be alright, ai-ai-ai-aight
Through the sorrow,
And the fights
Don't you worry,
Cause everything's gonna Be Alright,ai-ai-ai-aight
Be Alright,ai-ai-ai-aight..
The point of this post was that the decisions you make can effect your life in enormous ways positively or negatively and whether you know it or not the littlest things can change your life so do whatever you want just know what ever decisions you make will make an impact your life and it will change. I am making the decision to be happy and ride this scary roller coaster we call LIFE :) So ride it with me and know everything is going to be alright;)
Sometimes I just want to go to the airport, pick a flight at random, and just go without telling anybody. To go on a total adventure. To just get lost and find my way back, to just be somewhere where I can just breathe for few moments of pure serenity and then scream to the top of my lungs to get out all the anger, sadness, and frustration I've ever had. To go somewhere where no one knows me and be able to create a whole new person. To feel happy, sad, angry, frustrated , confused , and all the other emotions out there and not feel like its not okay to feel a certain way. Its really easy to get lost in life and it feels like everyone is moving at the speed of light, just moving on. But sometimes I feel like even though the days are passing I'm just stuck where I am and I can't do anything about it. But I have to because days are still passing... Its frustrating knowing the type of person I want to be and not knowing if I will ever be that person. So what do I do? There's no "How to find yourself book for dummies" or a " road map to the right path". So how do you do it? I guess you just jump right in and start figuring stuff out. That's just it life isn't just something you can exist in you have to live every moment of it and as much as I dislike this word life is just unfair at times. It's unfair I was put in this situation but it could be worse and at times I can't imagine there is anything worse because I only know what it's like to be in my situation but there could be and there is. If I've learned one thing in life it's that at times like this in moments of complete weakness that you find out who's there for you and little pieces of yourself are uncovered as well. If you really knew me you would know that as much as I try I can't hide a bad day and this post is on here because I promised I would be 100% honest with you guys. Today was a bad day but tomorrow will be better because Life is full of Good and bad moments and as much as I love all the good times, I know all of those bad moments are making me the person I truly want to be and if they brake me down in the process, it's ok because life goes on.:) 
